In my life there are many issues (depression, stress, ADHD, ADD, Autism, Physical disabilities, etc.), but I hope that I can bring hope to others that have to deal with their own issues. From one person that is suffering with mental illness, I hope to break free of my dark cloud to offer help to others.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


For years now, my family has been asking me if I think I am a hoarder. I have watched the show and told them there is no way (no dead animals, human feces, and rotten food). However, they have taken many opportunities to help clean my home and remind that my house could have been this way without the prior help. I do have some problems with buying things I don't really need. I don't want to be a Hoarder and feel if I admit it that I do have a problem. I know the first step is admitting you have a problem, but I really don't know. I started to search the internet asking if there was a test that may point me in the right direction. I came across this test;

Do you find yourself collecting items that others do not consider valuable?

I am not sure. I suppose you might call the ready supply of deodorants and dish soap collecting. I call it saving for a rainy day, and wouldn’t you think these items are valuable.

Do you experience difficulty or find it impossible to discard your collected items?

I don’t have a big problem discarding items, but I just don’t do it.

Are there rooms inside your home or places outside your home that are cluttered with items you have collected?

Yes, my shed and back room. These cluttered with stuff, but I guess if I collect ‘stuff’ that would be a yes.

Do you need to give permission for others to discard items that you collect?

Doesn’t everybody have a problem with people touching their stuff?

Do you find difficulty organizing the items you have collected?

I have a lot of stuff. That makes it hard to organize.

Do you dislike others touching the items you have collected?

Again, people don’t like other people touching their stuff….

This test just left me just as confused prior to the test. I don't really know if I have yet another brain problem. They say that hoarding is just a symptom of an underlying problem, typically OCD. As certain events in my life make it more and more important to get my house organized, I find myself completely overwhelmed. With the events happening any 'normal' person would put together their responsibilities and do what they have to do. I feel an interior battle inside my head with doing what I know needs to be done and what I seem to do. I feel like a giant anvil is sitting on my body and refusing to get up. My lack of motion has begun to cause me physical pain in forms of headaches, backaches, and even a few conversion reactions. I want so bad to do what has to be done for my family, but I feel as if I am drowning under the weight of something invisible. I don't know how I am going to get out of this pool. It is really hard to explain this feeling of hopelessness.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

After another long break

Keeping this blog going has been very hard for me. However, with everything going on it is no wonder. I have a family member going to some legal problems. Adam is done with his third surgery in a year (took out the screws). I have been suffering from lots of depression and anxiety. I am now working full time for the first time since I have been sick. This change in work schedule has totally thrown off my physical, emotional, and social self. It has been really hard to readjust to things.

I am very grateful that I have family that are willing to help me out when I need it. Although, I may not always like to hear what they have to say, I know I need to hear the truth sometimes. It has been difficult asking for help with many things in my life. I have seen how much of a disappoint I am to myself. People don't look at me the same way they did when I was younger. People used to tell me how full of promise I was and how things would only get better for me as I grew up. This does not seem to be the case. I don't fully rely on others for approval, but when I am already disappoint with what I am doing it just compiles onto my ego. Will I ever be the mother, wife, person, and sister I want to be? Are all of my dreams I had for who I wanted to be completely over? Is this the best person I will always be? I hope not. As a child, I was going to be a teacher, the first woman president, a great debater, an active mom and many more things. I guess as young children we do not realize what it takes to accomplish our dreams.

My husband has the opposite problem. He says he is fine with where he is at because he had no big expectations for himself. He says he never imagined where he would be as an adult, therefore, is not disappointed in himself. I really need to get him to the doctor's office or maybe a therapist. He does not seem to understand what he could be doing. I wonder if I am holding him back, because I had a family started before we got together. He came directly from his parents house to a family. It did not give him much chance to go to college and explore the world.

I have so many doubts swimming in my head as of late. I don't really know why things are looking so crazy. Will there ever be a time where I am completely happy with where I am? Is it normal to always want more for yourself in your life?

Friday, October 1, 2010

It's been awhile

I has been awhile since I have posted anything. I have been busy with a lot of things. I have had thoughts I have wanted to post, but have not been around. If you follow me on Facebook, then you know that my son is being tested for MD. We are just currently waiting to here the results. I only hope that we can find out what is going on with me. I have just been trying to help life go on.

Hubby is starting his work with the Haunted House again this year. Fright High is what it is called. It means a month without him at home, but he will be happy. He is always happy to help them out. You should go check it out.

I have been finding more things I like doing. I have started a CafePress shop; a few shops actually. My article writing has slowed down. Trying to discipline myself to write my articles, make objects for my shop, work, and take care of all other duties have been hard. However, I am happy though. I think it is probably do to starting my Effexor once more. I hate the fact that I may have to be dependent on drugs for happiness, but I remember how I felt when I had been off of them for a long time. It is more clear to me now the benefits I get from being on the medicine. In fact, even my work day seems to go by faster when I am on medication. The eight hours I work doesn't seem as long anymore.  I don't know what else is to come, but I hope it won't be so long between posts again.

Friday, September 24, 2010

My own parenting quotes

A family member asked me to come up with some inspirational quotes that for those leaders that help special children. I took great honor in this request. I have made a list of ten inspirational quotes that I thought of for those that help these special children. Feel free to use these if you wish in anything they may help you with.

Helping others find their value by lifting spirits

Revealing the riches of others gives them light

Eliminating can’t, won’t and giving up one child at a time

Eliminating can’t, won’t and giving up one heart at a time

Understanding those that need it the most

It is never to late too show a child what they can be

Special children require special leaders

Look into the heart of a child not what you can see with your eyes

Those children that are the most lost are the most at home

Children with special needs have special hearts

All quotes by Hope L. Brock

Friday, September 10, 2010

Doctors, meds, guilt, and poor Adam

If any of my readers follow me on facebook, then you already know that my little boy has to see a neurologist. For the first time in his little life, a doctor has suggested a diagnosis of muscular dystrophy. While it does not come to a total surprise for anyone the knows him, it is still very scary. I had not known that much about it when it was mentioned in the doctors office. So I headed for the information super highway (internet) for more research. What I found could scared the living daylights out of any mother. I found myself glued to the computer screen fearing the worse. Since the MDS diagnosis is actually made up of 100 different types it is hard to know actually what the medical community is thinking. However, the one I looked at the most is commonly in boys, commonly around the age of 5 or 6 (Adam is 7), involves waddle walking, and other things that sound like my little boy. The most horrible thing about this type is that they stop walking by the age of 12 and died by 20. Just typing these words scares the crap out of me. As a mom you want to protect your children, but whatever is going on with Adam I can't stop.

I also found out the MDS is hereditary. This is where the guilt and shame come in. I feel as if it is my fault; either directly or indirectly. It was either my genes, or my choose of a father for him that caused this awful scenario.  My dad always told me never to have sex with someone that I would not want as the father of my child because it can happen the first time. I never listened to that. Here I am in the middle of what could be a very scary situation all because I could wait to have sex with the 'right' person. I wish that I would have gotten to know my ex-husbands medical background before I decided to marry him. I now wonder if others should not medical screen potential spouses. If Adam has this condition, then I will not be able to have another biological child. I feel bad enough about Adam, and if I were to have another child after knowing this then I would be making a conscious decision to give another child this horrible condition.

As you can see my mental state is like Hell right now. So I have once more tried to start my meds again. I started yesterday, and prayed that I could have started on a higher dose right away. The idea of being medicated through this ordeal does not seem like such a bad thing. I started yet another steroid for my feet and knees. That one keeps me pretty loopy. I am actually grateful for this feeling. It makes it hard to cry. I don't want Adam to see me cry. I don't want him to know what might come. I don't even know if I want to know what might come.

The only good thing about this, if there is any, is the fact that Adam will no longer slip through the cracks for help. He will get all of the help he needs through many different services, and I can't do it there are other out there willing to help. When he was considered high function disabled everyone thought his condition was not severe enough to give him the best. Now he will get the best. Please pray that God will take care of Adam. I don't know if I can. I just pray that he will watch over him and get him safe.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My dirty laundry

Sometimes when we are forced to hang out our dirty laundry for everyone to see, it can be a learning experience. I have had to show my dirty laundry to many people this week. The type of 'laundry' you try to hind in your house so that no one truly knows what is going on. Often times before you share your 'laundry' secretes someone already knows that something is just not quite right. However, once in awhile, you may find an extra hand that will help you with your chore. The extra pair of hands you find may come as a shock where you find them at. This week it was my in-laws. In-laws are a extension of family that you spend time with, but little is often known about these extra hands.  Too often husbands and wives look toward their in-laws as people we got because of a marriage. Hidden away beneath the hard shell that occupies these 'parents' might be some helping hands. I have learned that if I am starting to feel overwhelmed with the pile of dirty laundry in my house, I do have extra support. When it seems like the whole world is stomping and staining everything you have worked really hard for, then maybe it is time to look around you and realize what kind of support system you have. I do not have words for the help I have received recently, and I can only hope that one of them reads this and realizes that they are very special to me. Dirty laundry can take over your very existence and by not asking for help, you may be putting yourself in danger of being buried in it.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The writer in me

I have spent so much of my time worrying about the things around. The such things that I really honest have little to no control over. These things have all distracted me from my true vision of what I want to do with my life. I want to write. The feeling of opening a book with my name on the cover, my words on the pages of print,for all to enjoy. I want to see my pen name (that has grown through the ages) on the cover of a novel. Author: Hope L. Brock. It is all I have wanted for as long as I can remember. I even found some books that I wrote when I was seven years old (same age as my son). I wonder if I will ever get there. I never seem to finish anything. I have been publishing articles on Associated Content and have started blogs. I love words and phrases that make you think. Hence, my quote blog. I just wonder if I will ever feel the heaviness of a book that I have wrote on my arms. The heaviness of the story inside of me weighs on my shoulder much heavier then any novel I could ever write. I cry from the inside longing for the writer inside of me to come out. I wish that life did not run so much on money. If I could live life through dreams I would be rich.

As little kids, we are told that we should find something we love to do and do that for the rest of our lives. However, this advice has become outdated. In today's economy, you have to take what is given to you and be happy with that. I just don't understand. I feel as if I live the life of a split personality. There is the sensible responsible outer shell, while a writer is screaming from within. Writing has always been my true love, and I look at my small accomplishments I have made in twenty years of writing and wonder why I am not further into this career path. The books I found, the poetry journals on my book shelf, and the third place Illinois Young Author ribbon I own all give testament as to how long this fire has been burning. Almost three years ago, I had my pen name tattooed on my ankle. I long to have my name in print with my thoughts and stories on someone else's  bookshelf.