Doctors, meds, guilt, and poor Adam

If any of my readers follow me on facebook, then you already know that my little boy has to see a neurologist. For the first time in his little life, a doctor has suggested a diagnosis of muscular dystrophy. While it does not come to a total surprise for anyone the knows him, it is still very scary. I had not known that much about it when it was mentioned in the doctors office. So I headed for the information super highway (internet) for more research. What I found could scared the living daylights out of any mother. I found myself glued to the computer screen fearing the worse. Since the MDS diagnosis is actually made up of 100 different types it is hard to know actually what the medical community is thinking. However, the one I looked at the most is commonly in boys, commonly around the age of 5 or 6 (Adam is 7), involves waddle walking, and other things that sound like my little boy. The most horrible thing about this type is that they stop walking by the age of 12 and died by 20. Just typing these words scares the crap out of me. As a mom you want to protect your children, but whatever is going on with Adam I can't stop.

I also found out the MDS is hereditary. This is where the guilt and shame come in. I feel as if it is my fault; either directly or indirectly. It was either my genes, or my choose of a father for him that caused this awful scenario.  My dad always told me never to have sex with someone that I would not want as the father of my child because it can happen the first time. I never listened to that. Here I am in the middle of what could be a very scary situation all because I could wait to have sex with the 'right' person. I wish that I would have gotten to know my ex-husbands medical background before I decided to marry him. I now wonder if others should not medical screen potential spouses. If Adam has this condition, then I will not be able to have another biological child. I feel bad enough about Adam, and if I were to have another child after knowing this then I would be making a conscious decision to give another child this horrible condition.

As you can see my mental state is like Hell right now. So I have once more tried to start my meds again. I started yesterday, and prayed that I could have started on a higher dose right away. The idea of being medicated through this ordeal does not seem like such a bad thing. I started yet another steroid for my feet and knees. That one keeps me pretty loopy. I am actually grateful for this feeling. It makes it hard to cry. I don't want Adam to see me cry. I don't want him to know what might come. I don't even know if I want to know what might come.

The only good thing about this, if there is any, is the fact that Adam will no longer slip through the cracks for help. He will get all of the help he needs through many different services, and I can't do it there are other out there willing to help. When he was considered high function disabled everyone thought his condition was not severe enough to give him the best. Now he will get the best. Please pray that God will take care of Adam. I don't know if I can. I just pray that he will watch over him and get him safe.

meds and outbursts

Thanks to the last week or so, I have decided to take my medication again. I am starting slow. I have been taking it for two days now. I think it is helping, but being a pharmacy tech I know that it takes longer then that for these things to work. However, I am also taking a steroid dose to help with the pain in my feet. I have been taking that for two day also. I think that is the reason why I am doing better.  Maybe it was the pain in my feet and legs that was causing me to be a  witch. I suppose we will have to see what happens after the dose pack is finished and out of  my system. I will be seeing my doctor on Friday to discuss my conversion disorder. It has been three months since I have seen her; that is the longest it has been between appointments since I got sick. It has now been over two years. I wish everyday I had the same stamina that I had before. I am twenty seven but feel like I am much older.

Adam

Adam's outbursts have gotten out of hand lately. Tonight he kicked his sister in the face because he was mad at me. He spent most of the day in his room for not listening. He has lost his computer time for today and tomorrow and also lost his TV. It seems like we have just been taking things away all day. He threw a fan across the room and broke the cover for it. I am hoping once school starts things will get better with him. I just don't know what to do with him sometimes. Some days it is a struggle to deal with him. 

The morning after

Last night was crazy. I was yelling waaaay too much. The kids were not listening and I was getting very stressed out. Everything seemed to snowball at me. After sending the kids to bed, I popped the top of off a wine cooler. I have not drank in forever. One bottle gave me a buzz, and I honestly felt strangely medicated. I felt relaxed and not stressed at all. I can totally understand how some people can turn to alcohol to self medicate. I don't want to be like that. I really wish I could deal with life off of my medication. Some people have it worse then I do and they don't have meds. What is wrong with me? Why can I not just suck it up and deal with things without becoming some screaming banishy. In better news, I have my old dinosaur of a computer working and it has a story I started to work on about two years ago on it. I wonder if I could finish it.