Keeping this blog going has been very hard for me. However, with everything going on it is no wonder. I have a family member going to some legal problems. Adam is done with his third surgery in a year (took out the screws). I have been suffering from lots of depression and anxiety. I am now working full time for the first time since I have been sick. This change in work schedule has totally thrown off my physical, emotional, and social self. It has been really hard to readjust to things.
I am very grateful that I have family that are willing to help me out when I need it. Although, I may not always like to hear what they have to say, I know I need to hear the truth sometimes. It has been difficult asking for help with many things in my life. I have seen how much of a disappoint I am to myself. People don't look at me the same way they did when I was younger. People used to tell me how full of promise I was and how things would only get better for me as I grew up. This does not seem to be the case. I don't fully rely on others for approval, but when I am already disappoint with what I am doing it just compiles onto my ego. Will I ever be the mother, wife, person, and sister I want to be? Are all of my dreams I had for who I wanted to be completely over? Is this the best person I will always be? I hope not. As a child, I was going to be a teacher, the first woman president, a great debater, an active mom and many more things. I guess as young children we do not realize what it takes to accomplish our dreams.
My husband has the opposite problem. He says he is fine with where he is at because he had no big expectations for himself. He says he never imagined where he would be as an adult, therefore, is not disappointed in himself. I really need to get him to the doctor's office or maybe a therapist. He does not seem to understand what he could be doing. I wonder if I am holding him back, because I had a family started before we got together. He came directly from his parents house to a family. It did not give him much chance to go to college and explore the world.
I have so many doubts swimming in my head as of late. I don't really know why things are looking so crazy. Will there ever be a time where I am completely happy with where I am? Is it normal to always want more for yourself in your life?
