In my life there are many issues (depression, stress, ADHD, ADD, Autism, Physical disabilities, etc.), but I hope that I can bring hope to others that have to deal with their own issues. From one person that is suffering with mental illness, I hope to break free of my dark cloud to offer help to others.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My dirty laundry


Sometimes when we are forced to hang out our dirty laundry for everyone to see, it can be a learning experience. I have had to show my dirty laundry to many people this week. The type of 'laundry' you try to hind in your house so that no one truly knows what is going on. Often times before you share your 'laundry' secretes someone already knows that something is just not quite right. However, once in awhile, you may find an extra hand that will help you with your chore. The extra pair of hands you find may come as a shock where you find them at. This week it was my in-laws. In-laws are a extension of family that you spend time with, but little is often known about these extra hands.  Too often husbands and wives look toward their in-laws as people we got because of a marriage. Hidden away beneath the hard shell that occupies these 'parents' might be some helping hands. I have learned that if I am starting to feel overwhelmed with the pile of dirty laundry in my house, I do have extra support. When it seems like the whole world is stomping and staining everything you have worked really hard for, then maybe it is time to look around you and realize what kind of support system you have. I do not have words for the help I have received recently, and I can only hope that one of them reads this and realizes that they are very special to me. Dirty laundry can take over your very existence and by not asking for help, you may be putting yourself in danger of being buried in it.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The writer in me


I have spent so much of my time worrying about the things around. The such things that I really honest have little to no control over. These things have all distracted me from my true vision of what I want to do with my life. I want to write. The feeling of opening a book with my name on the cover, my words on the pages of print,for all to enjoy. I want to see my pen name (that has grown through the ages) on the cover of a novel. Author: Hope L. Brock. It is all I have wanted for as long as I can remember. I even found some books that I wrote when I was seven years old (same age as my son). I wonder if I will ever get there. I never seem to finish anything. I have been publishing articles on Associated Content and have started blogs. I love words and phrases that make you think. Hence, my quote blog. I just wonder if I will ever feel the heaviness of a book that I have wrote on my arms. The heaviness of the story inside of me weighs on my shoulder much heavier then any novel I could ever write. I cry from the inside longing for the writer inside of me to come out. I wish that life did not run so much on money. If I could live life through dreams I would be rich.

As little kids, we are told that we should find something we love to do and do that for the rest of our lives. However, this advice has become outdated. In today's economy, you have to take what is given to you and be happy with that. I just don't understand. I feel as if I live the life of a split personality. There is the sensible responsible outer shell, while a writer is screaming from within. Writing has always been my true love, and I look at my small accomplishments I have made in twenty years of writing and wonder why I am not further into this career path. The books I found, the poetry journals on my book shelf, and the third place Illinois Young Author ribbon I own all give testament as to how long this fire has been burning. Almost three years ago, I had my pen name tattooed on my ankle. I long to have my name in print with my thoughts and stories on someone else's  bookshelf.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

LIfe: could be and has been worse

I have been so depressed lately, and like sunlight through the clouds I am trying to focus on the good things. Perhaps, I need a lesson in learning to appreciate where I am and where I have been. I have been so focused on the bad things that are going on right now that I have forgotten where I came from. My parents have a tendency to remind me how much they think I have 'grown' and how I should be proud of where I am. There is not a day that goes by that one parents does not tell me how proud they are of me and how much they love me. I wonder sometimes how they can still love me with my life being such a mess, but they remember all  the bad things I have been through. They like to focus on the good things I have going on. I thank my parents everyday for being the people they are. My friends were always accepted at my house when I was little (unless they hurt me, but any parent is like that), and my parents had a way of watching out for me and letting me learn my own mistakes. It is a balancing act. Let me take a moment to reflect on how life has been worse.

1996 (Age 13)- lost my best friend to suicide (I never thought I would accept my life without her)

1998- This was the year I started a relationship that would turn into a four year physical abuse relationship (I had always thought I would have been trapped in this prison)

2002- get out of the physical relationship but had no job and no home (after my parents being right about my boyfriend, I didn't dare go live with them again so I bounced from one place to another)

2002- get married in a split second decision at the courthouse to a sex offender that convince me that he was the 'one' (he was the 'one' to make me pregnant, cheat on me, lie to me, and verbal abuse me)

2003- now I was homeless with a infant and a husband that had left me as I started my journey post partnum

2003- my grandfather passes away from cancer (he suffered way to long)

2008- my parents separate after almost thirty years of marriage (divorce is just as hard on adult children as young children)

May 15, 2008- This is the day I went to the ER with my right side numb from the arm down (my conversion reaction) I had to spend too long in a wheelchair, in therapy, and out of work. My speech was gone and I didn't know if I could sing Happy Birthday to my daughter that year.

I stopped by my grandmother's house the other day, and all she could say was how great I looked. Sometimes I forget about the other things I have overcome and how I am a better person for what I have been through. I suppose next time I am feeling down and like there is no way out; I just need to like at all I have done and realize that things could have and have been worse.  

Friday, August 20, 2010

A depressed mother's rant


Yes, I am a mother. Yes, I suffer from depression (among other mental illnesses). Right now things are just very hard. Bills, kids, housework...and finances are taking a toll on me. I feel overwhelmed and lost. The deep hole of depression has taken a hold. Oh yeah...did I forget to mention the car is not working, either. I can come up with a million reasons why I am depressed now. However, the major reason is because I am a depressed person. I think my life sucks right now and I would be better off not here. Someone tonight told me I need to talk to someone before I slit my wrists. To which I replied "I am almost there"..."Don't be silly" they said..."you have kids to worry about, what would they do without you?". What would they do without me? They would not have to see a mom that cries everyday, they would not have to deal with a mom that yells everyday, and maybe they would be happy to have a mom that does not have to struggle to get out of bed. I wonder if my kids would not be better in foster care. Surely, there is a nice couple out there that could do better for my children then I have done for them. These are just some of the thoughts that go through my head when I think like this. When my depression takes over it is hard to be the mom that I have always wanted to be. Is there any hope for me? Would it not be better if I just gave up?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Life sucks rant

My life sucks...your life sucks...life sucks. In some not-so-famous words "get over it". I wonder what happens when you die...survey says...."you get out". I know this sounds a bit morbid but this is where my train of thought is that past few days. Between bills, work issues, and family issues (kids that can not seem to stay out of the operating room) my life has came at me in full speed. It seems like I am in a black hole that keep getting deeper and deeper. I am trying to rise up and put a smile on my face, but it is very hard sometimes. Oh yeah, I forgot my car breaks down every few days. Let's put another thing on the Life Sucks List. Everything is dark and deep. Perhaps, I am showing my depressed attitude in an outward way without realizing it. Maybe-just maybe- I am not hiding it as well as I think that I am (hence the post...let's get it out in the open). I don't know how to make things any better. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what evil sucky thing is behind the corner for me to see. I pray to God that he sees my suffering and helps in someway. I pray for a miracle that I don't know if it will come. Very few times in my life have I got down on bended knees and asked for help from a higher power. I know there are others out there with a worse life then mine. I know that things always seem darker then what they are. I try to hold on to hope one way or another. When the dark depths of Depression take a hold of your inner monologue then you see nothing but despair. 

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

meds and outbursts

Thanks to the last week or so, I have decided to take my medication again. I am starting slow. I have been taking it for two days now. I think it is helping, but being a pharmacy tech I know that it takes longer then that for these things to work. However, I am also taking a steroid dose to help with the pain in my feet. I have been taking that for two day also. I think that is the reason why I am doing better.  Maybe it was the pain in my feet and legs that was causing me to be a  witch. I suppose we will have to see what happens after the dose pack is finished and out of  my system. I will be seeing my doctor on Friday to discuss my conversion disorder. It has been three months since I have seen her; that is the longest it has been between appointments since I got sick. It has now been over two years. I wish everyday I had the same stamina that I had before. I am twenty seven but feel like I am much older.

Adam

Adam's outbursts have gotten out of hand lately. Tonight he kicked his sister in the face because he was mad at me. He spent most of the day in his room for not listening. He has lost his computer time for today and tomorrow and also lost his TV. It seems like we have just been taking things away all day. He threw a fan across the room and broke the cover for it. I am hoping once school starts things will get better with him. I just don't know what to do with him sometimes. Some days it is a struggle to deal with him. 

Monday, August 2, 2010

The morning after

Last night was crazy. I was yelling waaaay too much. The kids were not listening and I was getting very stressed out. Everything seemed to snowball at me. After sending the kids to bed, I popped the top of off a wine cooler. I have not drank in forever. One bottle gave me a buzz, and I honestly felt strangely medicated. I felt relaxed and not stressed at all. I can totally understand how some people can turn to alcohol to self medicate. I don't want to be like that. I really wish I could deal with life off of my medication. Some people have it worse then I do and they don't have meds. What is wrong with me? Why can I not just suck it up and deal with things without becoming some screaming banishy. In better news, I have my old dinosaur of a computer working and it has a story I started to work on about two years ago on it. I wonder if I could finish it.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Challenges of an ADD husband

The challenges of living with a husband that has ADD are very hard to understand, but the article I just read really speaks the truth. Check it out.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5611130/attention_deficit_disorder_relationship.html?cat=70
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