After another long break

Keeping this blog going has been very hard for me. However, with everything going on it is no wonder. I have a family member going to some legal problems. Adam is done with his third surgery in a year (took out the screws). I have been suffering from lots of depression and anxiety. I am now working full time for the first time since I have been sick. This change in work schedule has totally thrown off my physical, emotional, and social self. It has been really hard to readjust to things.

I am very grateful that I have family that are willing to help me out when I need it. Although, I may not always like to hear what they have to say, I know I need to hear the truth sometimes. It has been difficult asking for help with many things in my life. I have seen how much of a disappoint I am to myself. People don't look at me the same way they did when I was younger. People used to tell me how full of promise I was and how things would only get better for me as I grew up. This does not seem to be the case. I don't fully rely on others for approval, but when I am already disappoint with what I am doing it just compiles onto my ego. Will I ever be the mother, wife, person, and sister I want to be? Are all of my dreams I had for who I wanted to be completely over? Is this the best person I will always be? I hope not. As a child, I was going to be a teacher, the first woman president, a great debater, an active mom and many more things. I guess as young children we do not realize what it takes to accomplish our dreams.

My husband has the opposite problem. He says he is fine with where he is at because he had no big expectations for himself. He says he never imagined where he would be as an adult, therefore, is not disappointed in himself. I really need to get him to the doctor's office or maybe a therapist. He does not seem to understand what he could be doing. I wonder if I am holding him back, because I had a family started before we got together. He came directly from his parents house to a family. It did not give him much chance to go to college and explore the world.

I have so many doubts swimming in my head as of late. I don't really know why things are looking so crazy. Will there ever be a time where I am completely happy with where I am? Is it normal to always want more for yourself in your life?

Doctors, meds, guilt, and poor Adam

If any of my readers follow me on facebook, then you already know that my little boy has to see a neurologist. For the first time in his little life, a doctor has suggested a diagnosis of muscular dystrophy. While it does not come to a total surprise for anyone the knows him, it is still very scary. I had not known that much about it when it was mentioned in the doctors office. So I headed for the information super highway (internet) for more research. What I found could scared the living daylights out of any mother. I found myself glued to the computer screen fearing the worse. Since the MDS diagnosis is actually made up of 100 different types it is hard to know actually what the medical community is thinking. However, the one I looked at the most is commonly in boys, commonly around the age of 5 or 6 (Adam is 7), involves waddle walking, and other things that sound like my little boy. The most horrible thing about this type is that they stop walking by the age of 12 and died by 20. Just typing these words scares the crap out of me. As a mom you want to protect your children, but whatever is going on with Adam I can't stop.

I also found out the MDS is hereditary. This is where the guilt and shame come in. I feel as if it is my fault; either directly or indirectly. It was either my genes, or my choose of a father for him that caused this awful scenario.  My dad always told me never to have sex with someone that I would not want as the father of my child because it can happen the first time. I never listened to that. Here I am in the middle of what could be a very scary situation all because I could wait to have sex with the 'right' person. I wish that I would have gotten to know my ex-husbands medical background before I decided to marry him. I now wonder if others should not medical screen potential spouses. If Adam has this condition, then I will not be able to have another biological child. I feel bad enough about Adam, and if I were to have another child after knowing this then I would be making a conscious decision to give another child this horrible condition.

As you can see my mental state is like Hell right now. So I have once more tried to start my meds again. I started yesterday, and prayed that I could have started on a higher dose right away. The idea of being medicated through this ordeal does not seem like such a bad thing. I started yet another steroid for my feet and knees. That one keeps me pretty loopy. I am actually grateful for this feeling. It makes it hard to cry. I don't want Adam to see me cry. I don't want him to know what might come. I don't even know if I want to know what might come.

The only good thing about this, if there is any, is the fact that Adam will no longer slip through the cracks for help. He will get all of the help he needs through many different services, and I can't do it there are other out there willing to help. When he was considered high function disabled everyone thought his condition was not severe enough to give him the best. Now he will get the best. Please pray that God will take care of Adam. I don't know if I can. I just pray that he will watch over him and get him safe.

unlikely goals in the midst of emotional and physical issues

All of this started last month with a beautiful piece of white paper that was folded and slit into an enevelope that found its way to my house. That folded piece of paper was my dreaded power bill, and this was the month that we did not have the money for the bill and the payment agreement-which we had made all of our two allowed agreements for the year. Now I am sitting at my house scrambling at straws for some sort of mircale that will get my lights on for another few months, and struggling with the issues Adam is facing. All the while, trying to adjust to life without medication.

Adam

Adam went to the psychologist a couple weeks ago. Now instead of diagnosising him with Asperger's they say he has PDD-NOS. Basically another autistic spectrum disorder. He doesn't meet all of the requirements for autism but does have some of them. Once more Adam is stuck in the middle of the medical community. He is the true definition of high-functioning disabled. Now we went to get recent x-rays done of his ankles, and once more an implant has shifted. However, because he has not complaine of pain the doctor is just going to wait and see. I sure hope it does not shift anymore and we have to have another surgery.

Bills and impossible goals

I have NO idea how I will pay my power bill. I suppose I could go without paying my rent but even that does not pay the bill. I have to come up with $770 by the end of next month or lights out.....what am I going to do. I tried to call the doctor about my medical restrictions but because I am working more now then I was, and the new restrictions the power company has I don't qualify for medical help. I have already been to the local carver office, and they have already helped me out once this year. The only thing I can think of is try to earn enough money on AC to pay the bill. It is not impossible but very unlikely.  This whole mess makes it tough to see the light at the end of my tunnel. I don't know what to do.