In my life there are many issues (depression, stress, ADHD, ADD, Autism, Physical disabilities, etc.), but I hope that I can bring hope to others that have to deal with their own issues. From one person that is suffering with mental illness, I hope to break free of my dark cloud to offer help to others.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

thought provoking movie (Ecilipse)

If anybody knows who I am they know that I am a Twilight fan. I saw the newest movie this afternoon. It was amazing and I am so grateful for Stephanie Meyer and the escape she gives me. I love the movies and the books. They tend to provoke many questions. Such as:

Can you really love two people at once?

In the series Bella loves both Edward and Jacob. I am married to a wonderful man, but sometimes I think about an ex and wonder if I still love him. I wonder if I can love two people at once. Although in Twilight Jacob is in love so much with Bella that his life seems to be for her. He is in love with her to the point of fighting for her "untill her hearts stops beating." I don't have a guy like that. I don't have a guy that has loved me so much that his life does not go on.

Am I really in love with my husband?

Bella and Edward love each other. It is clear in the way they touch, look at each other and the sacrifices that do for each other. Some of their relationship reminds me of the abusive relationship I was in. Some of Edwards behavior is abusive, but he is just looking out for Bella's safety. Sometimes it is scary but it is a sign that he truly cares. I don't see this type of devotion from my husband or from myself.

Why do I stress about things that don't matter?

Coming home after the movie I felt as if I wanted to live in their fantasy world. Although in their world there was a lot of fighting and death and dying. For some reason I felt like their world would be better then my own. I think they have less stress then I do in real life. How is that possible? My friends are not total enemies and people are not looking to kill me.....but I would rather be there. I must really be messed up!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Hating life

It has been a few days since I wrote anything. I was hoping to get out of my funk. Although that is why I opended this blog in the first place; to help me when I am feeling blue. The last week I have been filled with a lot of hatred for my life. All that I wanted to be growing up was a wife and a mother, and now all I want to be is me. As much as I love my husband and kids, I feel like they have taken over the very thing that make me me.

I love my kids, but I hate not being able to sleep in.

I love my job, but I hate when people scream at me for mistakes.

I love nothing about my house, I need a new house.

This sucks the more I write the more I can think of things I hate. I wish my love was not in such a stand still. I have found out that a few of my friends are expecting new babies. I want a new baby. My husband does not want in more, and to be honest I am not healthy enough to have another. My daughter will be four and Adam is seven. I feel like the good times are passing me by. I still have to wait a long time until any more milestones come to pass. grr! I wish I could just go away.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

La, La, La

So I am feeling just kind of blah. My head is going la, la...la. I should be writing, or doing housework. I could be watching a movie. There are a lot of things I should be doing, but nope. I have been feeling pretty out of it. It does not help that my car has been broken for a few days. Luckily, my father-in-law came out (on father's day) to fix it. That much is going good for me. hmmm....there is a lot of things I could be doing right now. I don't know why I feel so stuck. Maybe my mind is broken today too. There is no easy fix for that one.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My Thoughts

It has been awhile since I posted something here. I have been really busy with going back to work and trying to figure out the bill situation. My stress coping skills have been tested to the max. I wish I could remember everything my therapist taught me. Oh by the way, while I am trying to relax, there are things (besides bills ) that need to get done. How about the laundry, cleaning, mowing and this is just to name a few. Not to mention running Adam to PT. Uggggh! I need a break from life.This all seems to suck!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Hoarder vs. Severely Depressed

This is a fair warning....I am let out all of my dirty laundry. (Ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you I have a lot)

In the past year, I have had many well meaning friends and family ask me if I thought I was a hoarder. They kindly pointed out some things that pointed to them that I needed some psychological help. After the show "Hoarders" aired, I got a lot of offers for 'help'. I tried to take many of these comments in strive and take a good look around me. I tried to look inside of myself and ask myself the same question...Am I a hoarder?

I reseasrched the Internet to find the answer. There are many websites out there with a checklist of 'hoarding' symptoms. I tried to answer these honestly. However, the problem is that some classic hoarding signs are also classic depression signs too. Some of my research suggested hoarding is actually a symptom of a deeper mental disorder. Perhaps hoarding is a symptom of my depression?

I do not have rotten food sitting out in my house. I do not have dead animals or an abundant amount of animals (2 cats and 1 dog). However, my house could be a lot cleanier. I am ashamed and embrassed to have people over. However, if something is broken (and I have the money to) I will call a repair man and just clean before he gets here. I do have one room in my house that is not being used that is full of clutter. This room does not have air in it and gets very hot so even before it was full of 'stuff' we spent the summer out of the room.

As you can see there are many signs that point to yes and many signs that point to no. I could be severely depressed, or a closet hoarder. I really don't know. I suppose I could be a lazy housekeeper. I do know that since be diagnosised with conversion disorder my stamina is not what it used to be. This too keeps my house in a mess. I can not work an eight hour shift at work and do anything esle that requires physical labor. I will fall asleep about eight to nine o'clock if I don't 'have' to do anything. I am trying to bulid it up, but I also don't want to ignore my body and have another conversion reaction. hmmm. I just don't know where my mind is at.

Hubby does not help matters any at all. He is very sentimental, and his ADHD (according to my research) has the side effect of not shouldering the household chores evenly. If adults that have ADD/ADHD do not feel rewarded by a task right away then they won't do it.

Things are a mess in my home, in my mind, and in my marriage.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Rising Star!!

I have just received a  Rising Star award from Associated Content!! I am so happy!! This has made my hard day of working out in the sun wonderful! The yard sale so far is a bust! That is ok, things are looking up!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Oh the PAIN!!

Of course, my body does not let me enjoy 'working' without doing something wrong. I tripped in my sandles today and landed in the ER. They took xrays and say it is not broken, but I not convince. The pain is horrid. I feel as if a car ran over my foot several, on second thought, that might even be less painfull. I wish they would had been more understanding at the ER. A lot of people have said that they feel if you have state medicaid you get treated differently. I don't know if that is true or not, but I feel as if I get treated differently for all of my issues. They assume that because I suffer from depression and such that I might make my pain more then it is. I hate the question when they ask me what meds a take on a regular basis. I feel like a drug addict, and you know they know what they are all for. The doctor barely examed my foot. The only thing he did was xrays and then sent me on my way. He didn't even give me good pain medicine. Then they expected me to walk out, didn't even offer me a chair. After fumbled with two steps one of the nurses got a chair, and wheeled me out. Couldn't they tell I was in a lot of pain? My eyes were watering and I could barely breath. Curently, I am laying on the couch trying to keep my mind off of it, although, that has been more diffcult since writing this post. hmmm!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

working hard

Today was the first day of my vacation, but not reallly a break. I was over at my sister's house all day to help get ready for our yard sale this weekend. I had a could time and worked up a sweat. Sometimes physical labor can make you feel good, when it is something you want to do. I don't feel overworked at all. I think when I have a job that I can work at my own pace with then it makes all of the difference. Feeling really good today. Although, I know tomorrow will be a bad day. It always is when I can't paid and I literally don't have enough money to pay the bills. I don't know who is not getting paid. I better stop thinking about that otherwise it will be my mood down.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Things are changing

A lot has happened today. My husband finally decided to call the doctor about his ADD and get help. Although, without me here at home, he got distracted and forgot. I will be home on vacation for a week so I will remind him then. I swear it is like another child. Adam is going to be having a sleep apnea test done next week. Let's just jot one more thing on the list of problems with him. I have been called to speak to my bosses at work about four times now in the past couple of months about my body order. I take a shower and stuff but one of my medication makes me sweat more then usual. I have tried many things so now my doctor prescribe a rx deorandant. I hope it works for my sake and my coworkers. I don't understand how things can keep going wrong. Right now at this very moment I am flipping out because Lizzy was hanging out the window today. (the screens are broken) I hope no one saw this and calls DCFS. I am always scared of them. Dan bolted the window shut so that now that can't even get it open. Thank god! Someone could have gotten seriously hurt. Even with my fear of DCFS I should probarbly not being putting my thoughts down here, but if I don't I will explode. Hasn't someone esle's kid ever done anything crazy and you were scared about someone intervening. The problem with being a parent today is that most parents live in fear. You can't even spank your kids without worrying about what is going to happen. Living with anxiety issues, does not help the matter. I am freaking out!!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Conversion Disorder

I suffer from conversion disorder. Very little is known about the illness from my family and friends. In a attempt to educate people about it, I found this webpage. Click on the link to understand more of what I am going through.

Conversion Disorder

My first blog

Why am I blogging? It could be that I am a parent of a high-functioning disabled child, parenting through various mental illnesses or because I want to be a published author someday. All of these are reasons why I started my blog. They are presented their own set of problems. I was told to pick a niche, but I think they have all been done. It is also hard for me to keep up with all of the projects I have started. If you take a good look at my house you can tell that my depression sometimes cripples me from doing anything I start. My house is a mess, I am continuing stepping over trash. This is just because I am too depressed or overwhelmed to start the cleaning process. My son has ADHD, Asperger's (unoffical diagnosis as of late), physical limitations (two surgeries on his ankle joints), and impluse control issues. I suffer from depression, anxiety and conversion disorder. I have started to write articles for Associated Content. I have always wanted to be a writer. However, I (once again) can not seem to finish anything I start. I have now developed a personal goal of having something published, or at least queries sent to agents, by the time I am thirty years old. I am currently twenty seven. We will see what happens.
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