In my life there are many issues (depression, stress, ADHD, ADD, Autism, Physical disabilities, etc.), but I hope that I can bring hope to others that have to deal with their own issues. From one person that is suffering with mental illness, I hope to break free of my dark cloud to offer help to others.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


For years now, my family has been asking me if I think I am a hoarder. I have watched the show and told them there is no way (no dead animals, human feces, and rotten food). However, they have taken many opportunities to help clean my home and remind that my house could have been this way without the prior help. I do have some problems with buying things I don't really need. I don't want to be a Hoarder and feel if I admit it that I do have a problem. I know the first step is admitting you have a problem, but I really don't know. I started to search the internet asking if there was a test that may point me in the right direction. I came across this test;

Do you find yourself collecting items that others do not consider valuable?

I am not sure. I suppose you might call the ready supply of deodorants and dish soap collecting. I call it saving for a rainy day, and wouldn’t you think these items are valuable.

Do you experience difficulty or find it impossible to discard your collected items?

I don’t have a big problem discarding items, but I just don’t do it.

Are there rooms inside your home or places outside your home that are cluttered with items you have collected?

Yes, my shed and back room. These cluttered with stuff, but I guess if I collect ‘stuff’ that would be a yes.

Do you need to give permission for others to discard items that you collect?

Doesn’t everybody have a problem with people touching their stuff?

Do you find difficulty organizing the items you have collected?

I have a lot of stuff. That makes it hard to organize.

Do you dislike others touching the items you have collected?

Again, people don’t like other people touching their stuff….

This test just left me just as confused prior to the test. I don't really know if I have yet another brain problem. They say that hoarding is just a symptom of an underlying problem, typically OCD. As certain events in my life make it more and more important to get my house organized, I find myself completely overwhelmed. With the events happening any 'normal' person would put together their responsibilities and do what they have to do. I feel an interior battle inside my head with doing what I know needs to be done and what I seem to do. I feel like a giant anvil is sitting on my body and refusing to get up. My lack of motion has begun to cause me physical pain in forms of headaches, backaches, and even a few conversion reactions. I want so bad to do what has to be done for my family, but I feel as if I am drowning under the weight of something invisible. I don't know how I am going to get out of this pool. It is really hard to explain this feeling of hopelessness.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

After another long break

Keeping this blog going has been very hard for me. However, with everything going on it is no wonder. I have a family member going to some legal problems. Adam is done with his third surgery in a year (took out the screws). I have been suffering from lots of depression and anxiety. I am now working full time for the first time since I have been sick. This change in work schedule has totally thrown off my physical, emotional, and social self. It has been really hard to readjust to things.

I am very grateful that I have family that are willing to help me out when I need it. Although, I may not always like to hear what they have to say, I know I need to hear the truth sometimes. It has been difficult asking for help with many things in my life. I have seen how much of a disappoint I am to myself. People don't look at me the same way they did when I was younger. People used to tell me how full of promise I was and how things would only get better for me as I grew up. This does not seem to be the case. I don't fully rely on others for approval, but when I am already disappoint with what I am doing it just compiles onto my ego. Will I ever be the mother, wife, person, and sister I want to be? Are all of my dreams I had for who I wanted to be completely over? Is this the best person I will always be? I hope not. As a child, I was going to be a teacher, the first woman president, a great debater, an active mom and many more things. I guess as young children we do not realize what it takes to accomplish our dreams.

My husband has the opposite problem. He says he is fine with where he is at because he had no big expectations for himself. He says he never imagined where he would be as an adult, therefore, is not disappointed in himself. I really need to get him to the doctor's office or maybe a therapist. He does not seem to understand what he could be doing. I wonder if I am holding him back, because I had a family started before we got together. He came directly from his parents house to a family. It did not give him much chance to go to college and explore the world.

I have so many doubts swimming in my head as of late. I don't really know why things are looking so crazy. Will there ever be a time where I am completely happy with where I am? Is it normal to always want more for yourself in your life?

Friday, October 1, 2010

It's been awhile

I has been awhile since I have posted anything. I have been busy with a lot of things. I have had thoughts I have wanted to post, but have not been around. If you follow me on Facebook, then you know that my son is being tested for MD. We are just currently waiting to here the results. I only hope that we can find out what is going on with me. I have just been trying to help life go on.

Hubby is starting his work with the Haunted House again this year. Fright High is what it is called. It means a month without him at home, but he will be happy. He is always happy to help them out. You should go check it out.

I have been finding more things I like doing. I have started a CafePress shop; a few shops actually. My article writing has slowed down. Trying to discipline myself to write my articles, make objects for my shop, work, and take care of all other duties have been hard. However, I am happy though. I think it is probably do to starting my Effexor once more. I hate the fact that I may have to be dependent on drugs for happiness, but I remember how I felt when I had been off of them for a long time. It is more clear to me now the benefits I get from being on the medicine. In fact, even my work day seems to go by faster when I am on medication. The eight hours I work doesn't seem as long anymore.  I don't know what else is to come, but I hope it won't be so long between posts again.

Friday, September 24, 2010

My own parenting quotes

A family member asked me to come up with some inspirational quotes that for those leaders that help special children. I took great honor in this request. I have made a list of ten inspirational quotes that I thought of for those that help these special children. Feel free to use these if you wish in anything they may help you with.

Helping others find their value by lifting spirits

Revealing the riches of others gives them light

Eliminating can’t, won’t and giving up one child at a time

Eliminating can’t, won’t and giving up one heart at a time

Understanding those that need it the most

It is never to late too show a child what they can be

Special children require special leaders

Look into the heart of a child not what you can see with your eyes

Those children that are the most lost are the most at home

Children with special needs have special hearts

All quotes by Hope L. Brock

Friday, September 10, 2010

Doctors, meds, guilt, and poor Adam

If any of my readers follow me on facebook, then you already know that my little boy has to see a neurologist. For the first time in his little life, a doctor has suggested a diagnosis of muscular dystrophy. While it does not come to a total surprise for anyone the knows him, it is still very scary. I had not known that much about it when it was mentioned in the doctors office. So I headed for the information super highway (internet) for more research. What I found could scared the living daylights out of any mother. I found myself glued to the computer screen fearing the worse. Since the MDS diagnosis is actually made up of 100 different types it is hard to know actually what the medical community is thinking. However, the one I looked at the most is commonly in boys, commonly around the age of 5 or 6 (Adam is 7), involves waddle walking, and other things that sound like my little boy. The most horrible thing about this type is that they stop walking by the age of 12 and died by 20. Just typing these words scares the crap out of me. As a mom you want to protect your children, but whatever is going on with Adam I can't stop.

I also found out the MDS is hereditary. This is where the guilt and shame come in. I feel as if it is my fault; either directly or indirectly. It was either my genes, or my choose of a father for him that caused this awful scenario.  My dad always told me never to have sex with someone that I would not want as the father of my child because it can happen the first time. I never listened to that. Here I am in the middle of what could be a very scary situation all because I could wait to have sex with the 'right' person. I wish that I would have gotten to know my ex-husbands medical background before I decided to marry him. I now wonder if others should not medical screen potential spouses. If Adam has this condition, then I will not be able to have another biological child. I feel bad enough about Adam, and if I were to have another child after knowing this then I would be making a conscious decision to give another child this horrible condition.

As you can see my mental state is like Hell right now. So I have once more tried to start my meds again. I started yesterday, and prayed that I could have started on a higher dose right away. The idea of being medicated through this ordeal does not seem like such a bad thing. I started yet another steroid for my feet and knees. That one keeps me pretty loopy. I am actually grateful for this feeling. It makes it hard to cry. I don't want Adam to see me cry. I don't want him to know what might come. I don't even know if I want to know what might come.

The only good thing about this, if there is any, is the fact that Adam will no longer slip through the cracks for help. He will get all of the help he needs through many different services, and I can't do it there are other out there willing to help. When he was considered high function disabled everyone thought his condition was not severe enough to give him the best. Now he will get the best. Please pray that God will take care of Adam. I don't know if I can. I just pray that he will watch over him and get him safe.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My dirty laundry

Sometimes when we are forced to hang out our dirty laundry for everyone to see, it can be a learning experience. I have had to show my dirty laundry to many people this week. The type of 'laundry' you try to hind in your house so that no one truly knows what is going on. Often times before you share your 'laundry' secretes someone already knows that something is just not quite right. However, once in awhile, you may find an extra hand that will help you with your chore. The extra pair of hands you find may come as a shock where you find them at. This week it was my in-laws. In-laws are a extension of family that you spend time with, but little is often known about these extra hands.  Too often husbands and wives look toward their in-laws as people we got because of a marriage. Hidden away beneath the hard shell that occupies these 'parents' might be some helping hands. I have learned that if I am starting to feel overwhelmed with the pile of dirty laundry in my house, I do have extra support. When it seems like the whole world is stomping and staining everything you have worked really hard for, then maybe it is time to look around you and realize what kind of support system you have. I do not have words for the help I have received recently, and I can only hope that one of them reads this and realizes that they are very special to me. Dirty laundry can take over your very existence and by not asking for help, you may be putting yourself in danger of being buried in it.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The writer in me

I have spent so much of my time worrying about the things around. The such things that I really honest have little to no control over. These things have all distracted me from my true vision of what I want to do with my life. I want to write. The feeling of opening a book with my name on the cover, my words on the pages of print,for all to enjoy. I want to see my pen name (that has grown through the ages) on the cover of a novel. Author: Hope L. Brock. It is all I have wanted for as long as I can remember. I even found some books that I wrote when I was seven years old (same age as my son). I wonder if I will ever get there. I never seem to finish anything. I have been publishing articles on Associated Content and have started blogs. I love words and phrases that make you think. Hence, my quote blog. I just wonder if I will ever feel the heaviness of a book that I have wrote on my arms. The heaviness of the story inside of me weighs on my shoulder much heavier then any novel I could ever write. I cry from the inside longing for the writer inside of me to come out. I wish that life did not run so much on money. If I could live life through dreams I would be rich.

As little kids, we are told that we should find something we love to do and do that for the rest of our lives. However, this advice has become outdated. In today's economy, you have to take what is given to you and be happy with that. I just don't understand. I feel as if I live the life of a split personality. There is the sensible responsible outer shell, while a writer is screaming from within. Writing has always been my true love, and I look at my small accomplishments I have made in twenty years of writing and wonder why I am not further into this career path. The books I found, the poetry journals on my book shelf, and the third place Illinois Young Author ribbon I own all give testament as to how long this fire has been burning. Almost three years ago, I had my pen name tattooed on my ankle. I long to have my name in print with my thoughts and stories on someone else's  bookshelf.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

LIfe: could be and has been worse

I have been so depressed lately, and like sunlight through the clouds I am trying to focus on the good things. Perhaps, I need a lesson in learning to appreciate where I am and where I have been. I have been so focused on the bad things that are going on right now that I have forgotten where I came from. My parents have a tendency to remind me how much they think I have 'grown' and how I should be proud of where I am. There is not a day that goes by that one parents does not tell me how proud they are of me and how much they love me. I wonder sometimes how they can still love me with my life being such a mess, but they remember all  the bad things I have been through. They like to focus on the good things I have going on. I thank my parents everyday for being the people they are. My friends were always accepted at my house when I was little (unless they hurt me, but any parent is like that), and my parents had a way of watching out for me and letting me learn my own mistakes. It is a balancing act. Let me take a moment to reflect on how life has been worse.

1996 (Age 13)- lost my best friend to suicide (I never thought I would accept my life without her)

1998- This was the year I started a relationship that would turn into a four year physical abuse relationship (I had always thought I would have been trapped in this prison)

2002- get out of the physical relationship but had no job and no home (after my parents being right about my boyfriend, I didn't dare go live with them again so I bounced from one place to another)

2002- get married in a split second decision at the courthouse to a sex offender that convince me that he was the 'one' (he was the 'one' to make me pregnant, cheat on me, lie to me, and verbal abuse me)

2003- now I was homeless with a infant and a husband that had left me as I started my journey post partnum

2003- my grandfather passes away from cancer (he suffered way to long)

2008- my parents separate after almost thirty years of marriage (divorce is just as hard on adult children as young children)

May 15, 2008- This is the day I went to the ER with my right side numb from the arm down (my conversion reaction) I had to spend too long in a wheelchair, in therapy, and out of work. My speech was gone and I didn't know if I could sing Happy Birthday to my daughter that year.

I stopped by my grandmother's house the other day, and all she could say was how great I looked. Sometimes I forget about the other things I have overcome and how I am a better person for what I have been through. I suppose next time I am feeling down and like there is no way out; I just need to like at all I have done and realize that things could have and have been worse.  

Friday, August 20, 2010

A depressed mother's rant

Yes, I am a mother. Yes, I suffer from depression (among other mental illnesses). Right now things are just very hard. Bills, kids, housework...and finances are taking a toll on me. I feel overwhelmed and lost. The deep hole of depression has taken a hold. Oh yeah...did I forget to mention the car is not working, either. I can come up with a million reasons why I am depressed now. However, the major reason is because I am a depressed person. I think my life sucks right now and I would be better off not here. Someone tonight told me I need to talk to someone before I slit my wrists. To which I replied "I am almost there"..."Don't be silly" they said..."you have kids to worry about, what would they do without you?". What would they do without me? They would not have to see a mom that cries everyday, they would not have to deal with a mom that yells everyday, and maybe they would be happy to have a mom that does not have to struggle to get out of bed. I wonder if my kids would not be better in foster care. Surely, there is a nice couple out there that could do better for my children then I have done for them. These are just some of the thoughts that go through my head when I think like this. When my depression takes over it is hard to be the mom that I have always wanted to be. Is there any hope for me? Would it not be better if I just gave up?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Life sucks rant

My life sucks...your life sucks. In some not-so-famous words "get over it". I wonder what happens when you die...survey says...."you get out". I know this sounds a bit morbid but this is where my train of thought is that past few days. Between bills, work issues, and family issues (kids that can not seem to stay out of the operating room) my life has came at me in full speed. It seems like I am in a black hole that keep getting deeper and deeper. I am trying to rise up and put a smile on my face, but it is very hard sometimes. Oh yeah, I forgot my car breaks down every few days. Let's put another thing on the Life Sucks List. Everything is dark and deep. Perhaps, I am showing my depressed attitude in an outward way without realizing it. Maybe-just maybe- I am not hiding it as well as I think that I am (hence the post...let's get it out in the open). I don't know how to make things any better. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what evil sucky thing is behind the corner for me to see. I pray to God that he sees my suffering and helps in someway. I pray for a miracle that I don't know if it will come. Very few times in my life have I got down on bended knees and asked for help from a higher power. I know there are others out there with a worse life then mine. I know that things always seem darker then what they are. I try to hold on to hope one way or another. When the dark depths of Depression take a hold of your inner monologue then you see nothing but despair. 

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

meds and outbursts

Thanks to the last week or so, I have decided to take my medication again. I am starting slow. I have been taking it for two days now. I think it is helping, but being a pharmacy tech I know that it takes longer then that for these things to work. However, I am also taking a steroid dose to help with the pain in my feet. I have been taking that for two day also. I think that is the reason why I am doing better.  Maybe it was the pain in my feet and legs that was causing me to be a  witch. I suppose we will have to see what happens after the dose pack is finished and out of  my system. I will be seeing my doctor on Friday to discuss my conversion disorder. It has been three months since I have seen her; that is the longest it has been between appointments since I got sick. It has now been over two years. I wish everyday I had the same stamina that I had before. I am twenty seven but feel like I am much older.


Adam's outbursts have gotten out of hand lately. Tonight he kicked his sister in the face because he was mad at me. He spent most of the day in his room for not listening. He has lost his computer time for today and tomorrow and also lost his TV. It seems like we have just been taking things away all day. He threw a fan across the room and broke the cover for it. I am hoping once school starts things will get better with him. I just don't know what to do with him sometimes. Some days it is a struggle to deal with him. 

Monday, August 2, 2010

The morning after

Last night was crazy. I was yelling waaaay too much. The kids were not listening and I was getting very stressed out. Everything seemed to snowball at me. After sending the kids to bed, I popped the top of off a wine cooler. I have not drank in forever. One bottle gave me a buzz, and I honestly felt strangely medicated. I felt relaxed and not stressed at all. I can totally understand how some people can turn to alcohol to self medicate. I don't want to be like that. I really wish I could deal with life off of my medication. Some people have it worse then I do and they don't have meds. What is wrong with me? Why can I not just suck it up and deal with things without becoming some screaming banishy. In better news, I have my old dinosaur of a computer working and it has a story I started to work on about two years ago on it. I wonder if I could finish it.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Challenges of an ADD husband

The challenges of living with a husband that has ADD are very hard to understand, but the article I just read really speaks the truth. Check it out.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

unlikely goals in the midst of emotional and physical issues

All of this started last month with a beautiful piece of white paper that was folded and slit into an enevelope that found its way to my house. That folded piece of paper was my dreaded power bill, and this was the month that we did not have the money for the bill and the payment agreement-which we had made all of our two allowed agreements for the year. Now I am sitting at my house scrambling at straws for some sort of mircale that will get my lights on for another few months, and struggling with the issues Adam is facing. All the while, trying to adjust to life without medication.


Adam went to the psychologist a couple weeks ago. Now instead of diagnosising him with Asperger's they say he has PDD-NOS. Basically another autistic spectrum disorder. He doesn't meet all of the requirements for autism but does have some of them. Once more Adam is stuck in the middle of the medical community. He is the true definition of high-functioning disabled. Now we went to get recent x-rays done of his ankles, and once more an implant has shifted. However, because he has not complaine of pain the doctor is just going to wait and see. I sure hope it does not shift anymore and we have to have another surgery.

Bills and impossible goals

I have NO idea how I will pay my power bill. I suppose I could go without paying my rent but even that does not pay the bill. I have to come up with $770 by the end of next month or lights out.....what am I going to do. I tried to call the doctor about my medical restrictions but because I am working more now then I was, and the new restrictions the power company has I don't qualify for medical help. I have already been to the local carver office, and they have already helped me out once this year. The only thing I can think of is try to earn enough money on AC to pay the bill. It is not impossible but very unlikely.  This whole mess makes it tough to see the light at the end of my tunnel. I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Angry all of the time

I have been angry all of the time for everything. I know that it is probarbly because I have not taken my meds in almost one month. Why? I know it is not a good practice. Let's thought process .....I first thought with all of the cravings (see FB posts) I might be prego. I don't know if these was wishful thinking or the fact that all of my 'friends' on facebook were asking me. I knew that my meds were scary to take during a pregancy so I stopped them. I should had taken a test before that decision, but like I said I think I was wishful thinking. Hubby and I have had the conversation about having another one for quite awhile. I want to, he doest get the point. Then my thirst and going to the bathroom a lot. I actually had an accident overnight in my bed. That has not happen since I was a child. So then I thought maybe diabetes. I was going to return to taking my meds after realizing that the chances of me be prego were pretty slim. (Mirena)

However, I knew that if I were to get back on them the headaches would start and I would have side effects from going back on them. So I stayed off. Now it has been four weeks and I am surprised my whole family has not walked out on me.

I am MAD at everything. The fact that my husband is breathing my air is enough to spat off a hour of dicussion, and don't get me started if he actually says ANYTHING. Then it is the kids, house, work, writing, blogs, and etc.....EVERYTHING IS JUST PISSING ME OFF!!!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

work thoughts

I hate being 'that girl' know, the one at work that calls-in-for-everything-can't-rely-on-always-has-issues type of person at work. I don't mean to be. I am sick a lot, but I think with my conversion disorder diagnosis it gave us more of a clue why. Yes, I have an emotional tough life right now. I can't help it. My life has never been emotionally easy, I am sure no one's has. I am just more honest about it. If I didn't open up like I do at work then I would carry around a burden that just might break me one of these days. Forgive if lying to make others feel more comfortable, but sacrifice my own health, is not on the top of my list of things to do. However, since I am 'that girl' no one wants to make friends with me or if I have an issue at work no one takes me seriously. This is just wrong. I feel really discrimnated againest at work. I am not even sure why. It seems as if no one there likes me. However, this could just be my unstable personality that is coming up with thoughts like this. How do you truly know if someone likes you or not? I suppose asking them might work, but who (besides myself) is ever honest about things like that. I like just about everybody. I like to think that I am a likeable person...

Monday, July 5, 2010

feeling blocked and pressured

So I have been absentmindly spending money from my article account that is not really there yet. It could be there in a few days if I get creative writing great articles. However, with the pressure, I have a severe case of writers block. Everything I think of seems not good enough. I don't know what to write about. I really wish I had a desk and an office I could go to. Typing from the couch is very diffcult. I really need a spot I can go to without distractions. I love writing but not that I am writing to abstain my absentminded spending of money I feel a lot more pressure. I don't like to write when I am pressured. I can't seem to get creative. However, one of the biggest advice about writing is to keep doing it.

So I am.

I sit here on my couch (did I mention how hard it is to type from the couch) just typing away about nothingness. Although, I am stressed about not getting the money I need I have to say that I am never happier as to when I throw all worries to the wind and treat myself to a special treat everyday. Perhaps money is the secret to my depression. However, if that is the case then I really would not need anti-depression pills. I don't understand what is going on with me really...hmmm....anyway ...typing is what I am doing. Typing...typing...nothing is coming to me and I know I have to end my post at some point. I guess I will just move on.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

thought provoking movie (Ecilipse)

If anybody knows who I am they know that I am a Twilight fan. I saw the newest movie this afternoon. It was amazing and I am so grateful for Stephanie Meyer and the escape she gives me. I love the movies and the books. They tend to provoke many questions. Such as:

Can you really love two people at once?

In the series Bella loves both Edward and Jacob. I am married to a wonderful man, but sometimes I think about an ex and wonder if I still love him. I wonder if I can love two people at once. Although in Twilight Jacob is in love so much with Bella that his life seems to be for her. He is in love with her to the point of fighting for her "untill her hearts stops beating." I don't have a guy like that. I don't have a guy that has loved me so much that his life does not go on.

Am I really in love with my husband?

Bella and Edward love each other. It is clear in the way they touch, look at each other and the sacrifices that do for each other. Some of their relationship reminds me of the abusive relationship I was in. Some of Edwards behavior is abusive, but he is just looking out for Bella's safety. Sometimes it is scary but it is a sign that he truly cares. I don't see this type of devotion from my husband or from myself.

Why do I stress about things that don't matter?

Coming home after the movie I felt as if I wanted to live in their fantasy world. Although in their world there was a lot of fighting and death and dying. For some reason I felt like their world would be better then my own. I think they have less stress then I do in real life. How is that possible? My friends are not total enemies and people are not looking to kill me.....but I would rather be there. I must really be messed up!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Hating life

It has been a few days since I wrote anything. I was hoping to get out of my funk. Although that is why I opended this blog in the first place; to help me when I am feeling blue. The last week I have been filled with a lot of hatred for my life. All that I wanted to be growing up was a wife and a mother, and now all I want to be is me. As much as I love my husband and kids, I feel like they have taken over the very thing that make me me.

I love my kids, but I hate not being able to sleep in.

I love my job, but I hate when people scream at me for mistakes.

I love nothing about my house, I need a new house.

This sucks the more I write the more I can think of things I hate. I wish my love was not in such a stand still. I have found out that a few of my friends are expecting new babies. I want a new baby. My husband does not want in more, and to be honest I am not healthy enough to have another. My daughter will be four and Adam is seven. I feel like the good times are passing me by. I still have to wait a long time until any more milestones come to pass. grr! I wish I could just go away.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

La, La, La

So I am feeling just kind of blah. My head is going la, I should be writing, or doing housework. I could be watching a movie. There are a lot of things I should be doing, but nope. I have been feeling pretty out of it. It does not help that my car has been broken for a few days. Luckily, my father-in-law came out (on father's day) to fix it. That much is going good for me. hmmm....there is a lot of things I could be doing right now. I don't know why I feel so stuck. Maybe my mind is broken today too. There is no easy fix for that one.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My Thoughts

It has been awhile since I posted something here. I have been really busy with going back to work and trying to figure out the bill situation. My stress coping skills have been tested to the max. I wish I could remember everything my therapist taught me. Oh by the way, while I am trying to relax, there are things (besides bills ) that need to get done. How about the laundry, cleaning, mowing and this is just to name a few. Not to mention running Adam to PT. Uggggh! I need a break from life.This all seems to suck!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Hoarder vs. Severely Depressed

This is a fair warning....I am let out all of my dirty laundry. (Ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you I have a lot)

In the past year, I have had many well meaning friends and family ask me if I thought I was a hoarder. They kindly pointed out some things that pointed to them that I needed some psychological help. After the show "Hoarders" aired, I got a lot of offers for 'help'. I tried to take many of these comments in strive and take a good look around me. I tried to look inside of myself and ask myself the same question...Am I a hoarder?

I reseasrched the Internet to find the answer. There are many websites out there with a checklist of 'hoarding' symptoms. I tried to answer these honestly. However, the problem is that some classic hoarding signs are also classic depression signs too. Some of my research suggested hoarding is actually a symptom of a deeper mental disorder. Perhaps hoarding is a symptom of my depression?

I do not have rotten food sitting out in my house. I do not have dead animals or an abundant amount of animals (2 cats and 1 dog). However, my house could be a lot cleanier. I am ashamed and embrassed to have people over. However, if something is broken (and I have the money to) I will call a repair man and just clean before he gets here. I do have one room in my house that is not being used that is full of clutter. This room does not have air in it and gets very hot so even before it was full of 'stuff' we spent the summer out of the room.

As you can see there are many signs that point to yes and many signs that point to no. I could be severely depressed, or a closet hoarder. I really don't know. I suppose I could be a lazy housekeeper. I do know that since be diagnosised with conversion disorder my stamina is not what it used to be. This too keeps my house in a mess. I can not work an eight hour shift at work and do anything esle that requires physical labor. I will fall asleep about eight to nine o'clock if I don't 'have' to do anything. I am trying to bulid it up, but I also don't want to ignore my body and have another conversion reaction. hmmm. I just don't know where my mind is at.

Hubby does not help matters any at all. He is very sentimental, and his ADHD (according to my research) has the side effect of not shouldering the household chores evenly. If adults that have ADD/ADHD do not feel rewarded by a task right away then they won't do it.

Things are a mess in my home, in my mind, and in my marriage.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Rising Star!!

I have just received a  Rising Star award from Associated Content!! I am so happy!! This has made my hard day of working out in the sun wonderful! The yard sale so far is a bust! That is ok, things are looking up!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Oh the PAIN!!

Of course, my body does not let me enjoy 'working' without doing something wrong. I tripped in my sandles today and landed in the ER. They took xrays and say it is not broken, but I not convince. The pain is horrid. I feel as if a car ran over my foot several, on second thought, that might even be less painfull. I wish they would had been more understanding at the ER. A lot of people have said that they feel if you have state medicaid you get treated differently. I don't know if that is true or not, but I feel as if I get treated differently for all of my issues. They assume that because I suffer from depression and such that I might make my pain more then it is. I hate the question when they ask me what meds a take on a regular basis. I feel like a drug addict, and you know they know what they are all for. The doctor barely examed my foot. The only thing he did was xrays and then sent me on my way. He didn't even give me good pain medicine. Then they expected me to walk out, didn't even offer me a chair. After fumbled with two steps one of the nurses got a chair, and wheeled me out. Couldn't they tell I was in a lot of pain? My eyes were watering and I could barely breath. Curently, I am laying on the couch trying to keep my mind off of it, although, that has been more diffcult since writing this post. hmmm!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

working hard

Today was the first day of my vacation, but not reallly a break. I was over at my sister's house all day to help get ready for our yard sale this weekend. I had a could time and worked up a sweat. Sometimes physical labor can make you feel good, when it is something you want to do. I don't feel overworked at all. I think when I have a job that I can work at my own pace with then it makes all of the difference. Feeling really good today. Although, I know tomorrow will be a bad day. It always is when I can't paid and I literally don't have enough money to pay the bills. I don't know who is not getting paid. I better stop thinking about that otherwise it will be my mood down.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Things are changing

A lot has happened today. My husband finally decided to call the doctor about his ADD and get help. Although, without me here at home, he got distracted and forgot. I will be home on vacation for a week so I will remind him then. I swear it is like another child. Adam is going to be having a sleep apnea test done next week. Let's just jot one more thing on the list of problems with him. I have been called to speak to my bosses at work about four times now in the past couple of months about my body order. I take a shower and stuff but one of my medication makes me sweat more then usual. I have tried many things so now my doctor prescribe a rx deorandant. I hope it works for my sake and my coworkers. I don't understand how things can keep going wrong. Right now at this very moment I am flipping out because Lizzy was hanging out the window today. (the screens are broken) I hope no one saw this and calls DCFS. I am always scared of them. Dan bolted the window shut so that now that can't even get it open. Thank god! Someone could have gotten seriously hurt. Even with my fear of DCFS I should probarbly not being putting my thoughts down here, but if I don't I will explode. Hasn't someone esle's kid ever done anything crazy and you were scared about someone intervening. The problem with being a parent today is that most parents live in fear. You can't even spank your kids without worrying about what is going to happen. Living with anxiety issues, does not help the matter. I am freaking out!!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Conversion Disorder

I suffer from conversion disorder. Very little is known about the illness from my family and friends. In a attempt to educate people about it, I found this webpage. Click on the link to understand more of what I am going through.

Conversion Disorder

My first blog

Why am I blogging? It could be that I am a parent of a high-functioning disabled child, parenting through various mental illnesses or because I want to be a published author someday. All of these are reasons why I started my blog. They are presented their own set of problems. I was told to pick a niche, but I think they have all been done. It is also hard for me to keep up with all of the projects I have started. If you take a good look at my house you can tell that my depression sometimes cripples me from doing anything I start. My house is a mess, I am continuing stepping over trash. This is just because I am too depressed or overwhelmed to start the cleaning process. My son has ADHD, Asperger's (unoffical diagnosis as of late), physical limitations (two surgeries on his ankle joints), and impluse control issues. I suffer from depression, anxiety and conversion disorder. I have started to write articles for Associated Content. I have always wanted to be a writer. However, I (once again) can not seem to finish anything I start. I have now developed a personal goal of having something published, or at least queries sent to agents, by the time I am thirty years old. I am currently twenty seven. We will see what happens.
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