A depressed mother's rant

Yes, I am a mother. Yes, I suffer from depression (among other mental illnesses). Right now things are just very hard. Bills, kids, housework...and finances are taking a toll on me. I feel overwhelmed and lost. The deep hole of depression has taken a hold. Oh yeah...did I forget to mention the car is not working, either. I can come up with a million reasons why I am depressed now. However, the major reason is because I am a depressed person. I think my life sucks right now and I would be better off not here. Someone tonight told me I need to talk to someone before I slit my wrists. To which I replied "I am almost there"..."Don't be silly" they said..."you have kids to worry about, what would they do without you?". What would they do without me? They would not have to see a mom that cries everyday, they would not have to deal with a mom that yells everyday, and maybe they would be happy to have a mom that does not have to struggle to get out of bed. I wonder if my kids would not be better in foster care. Surely, there is a nice couple out there that could do better for my children then I have done for them. These are just some of the thoughts that go through my head when I think like this. When my depression takes over it is hard to be the mom that I have always wanted to be. Is there any hope for me? Would it not be better if I just gave up?

Life sucks rant

My life sucks...your life sucks...life sucks. In some not-so-famous words "get over it". I wonder what happens when you die...survey says...."you get out". I know this sounds a bit morbid but this is where my train of thought is that past few days. Between bills, work issues, and family issues (kids that can not seem to stay out of the operating room) my life has came at me in full speed. It seems like I am in a black hole that keep getting deeper and deeper. I am trying to rise up and put a smile on my face, but it is very hard sometimes. Oh yeah, I forgot my car breaks down every few days. Let's put another thing on the Life Sucks List. Everything is dark and deep. Perhaps, I am showing my depressed attitude in an outward way without realizing it. Maybe-just maybe- I am not hiding it as well as I think that I am (hence the post...let's get it out in the open). I don't know how to make things any better. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what evil sucky thing is behind the corner for me to see. I pray to God that he sees my suffering and helps in someway. I pray for a miracle that I don't know if it will come. Very few times in my life have I got down on bended knees and asked for help from a higher power. I know there are others out there with a worse life then mine. I know that things always seem darker then what they are. I try to hold on to hope one way or another. When the dark depths of Depression take a hold of your inner monologue then you see nothing but despair. 

unlikely goals in the midst of emotional and physical issues

All of this started last month with a beautiful piece of white paper that was folded and slit into an enevelope that found its way to my house. That folded piece of paper was my dreaded power bill, and this was the month that we did not have the money for the bill and the payment agreement-which we had made all of our two allowed agreements for the year. Now I am sitting at my house scrambling at straws for some sort of mircale that will get my lights on for another few months, and struggling with the issues Adam is facing. All the while, trying to adjust to life without medication.

Adam

Adam went to the psychologist a couple weeks ago. Now instead of diagnosising him with Asperger's they say he has PDD-NOS. Basically another autistic spectrum disorder. He doesn't meet all of the requirements for autism but does have some of them. Once more Adam is stuck in the middle of the medical community. He is the true definition of high-functioning disabled. Now we went to get recent x-rays done of his ankles, and once more an implant has shifted. However, because he has not complaine of pain the doctor is just going to wait and see. I sure hope it does not shift anymore and we have to have another surgery.

Bills and impossible goals

I have NO idea how I will pay my power bill. I suppose I could go without paying my rent but even that does not pay the bill. I have to come up with $770 by the end of next month or lights out.....what am I going to do. I tried to call the doctor about my medical restrictions but because I am working more now then I was, and the new restrictions the power company has I don't qualify for medical help. I have already been to the local carver office, and they have already helped me out once this year. The only thing I can think of is try to earn enough money on AC to pay the bill. It is not impossible but very unlikely.  This whole mess makes it tough to see the light at the end of my tunnel. I don't know what to do.

feeling blocked and pressured

So I have been absentmindly spending money from my article account that is not really there yet. It could be there in a few days if I get creative writing great articles. However, with the pressure, I have a severe case of writers block. Everything I think of seems not good enough. I don't know what to write about. I really wish I had a desk and an office I could go to. Typing from the couch is very diffcult. I really need a spot I can go to without distractions. I love writing but not that I am writing to abstain my absentminded spending of money I feel a lot more pressure. I don't like to write when I am pressured. I can't seem to get creative. However, one of the biggest advice about writing is to keep doing it.

So I am.

I sit here on my couch (did I mention how hard it is to type from the couch) just typing away about nothingness. Although, I am stressed about not getting the money I need I have to say that I am never happier as to when I throw all worries to the wind and treat myself to a special treat everyday. Perhaps money is the secret to my depression. However, if that is the case then I really would not need anti-depression pills. I don't understand what is going on with me really...hmmm....anyway ...typing is what I am doing. Typing...typing...nothing is coming to me and I know I have to end my post at some point. I guess I will just move on.

Hating life

It has been a few days since I wrote anything. I was hoping to get out of my funk. Although that is why I opended this blog in the first place; to help me when I am feeling blue. The last week I have been filled with a lot of hatred for my life. All that I wanted to be growing up was a wife and a mother, and now all I want to be is me. As much as I love my husband and kids, I feel like they have taken over the very thing that make me me.

I love my kids, but I hate not being able to sleep in.

I love my job, but I hate when people scream at me for mistakes.

I love nothing about my house, I need a new house.

This sucks the more I write the more I can think of things I hate. I wish my love was not in such a stand still. I have found out that a few of my friends are expecting new babies. I want a new baby. My husband does not want in more, and to be honest I am not healthy enough to have another. My daughter will be four and Adam is seven. I feel like the good times are passing me by. I still have to wait a long time until any more milestones come to pass. grr! I wish I could just go away.

La, La, La

So I am feeling just kind of blah. My head is going la, la...la. I should be writing, or doing housework. I could be watching a movie. There are a lot of things I should be doing, but nope. I have been feeling pretty out of it. It does not help that my car has been broken for a few days. Luckily, my father-in-law came out (on father's day) to fix it. That much is going good for me. hmmm....there is a lot of things I could be doing right now. I don't know why I feel so stuck. Maybe my mind is broken today too. There is no easy fix for that one.

Oh the PAIN!!

Of course, my body does not let me enjoy 'working' without doing something wrong. I tripped in my sandles today and landed in the ER. They took xrays and say it is not broken, but I not convince. The pain is horrid. I feel as if a car ran over my foot several, on second thought, that might even be less painfull. I wish they would had been more understanding at the ER. A lot of people have said that they feel if you have state medicaid you get treated differently. I don't know if that is true or not, but I feel as if I get treated differently for all of my issues. They assume that because I suffer from depression and such that I might make my pain more then it is. I hate the question when they ask me what meds a take on a regular basis. I feel like a drug addict, and you know they know what they are all for. The doctor barely examed my foot. The only thing he did was xrays and then sent me on my way. He didn't even give me good pain medicine. Then they expected me to walk out, didn't even offer me a chair. After fumbled with two steps one of the nurses got a chair, and wheeled me out. Couldn't they tell I was in a lot of pain? My eyes were watering and I could barely breath. Curently, I am laying on the couch trying to keep my mind off of it, although, that has been more diffcult since writing this post. hmmm!

My first blog

Why am I blogging? It could be that I am a parent of a high-functioning disabled child, parenting through various mental illnesses or because I want to be a published author someday. All of these are reasons why I started my blog. They are presented their own set of problems. I was told to pick a niche, but I think they have all been done. It is also hard for me to keep up with all of the projects I have started. If you take a good look at my house you can tell that my depression sometimes cripples me from doing anything I start. My house is a mess, I am continuing stepping over trash. This is just because I am too depressed or overwhelmed to start the cleaning process. My son has ADHD, Asperger's (unoffical diagnosis as of late), physical limitations (two surgeries on his ankle joints), and impluse control issues. I suffer from depression, anxiety and conversion disorder. I have started to write articles for Associated Content. I have always wanted to be a writer. However, I (once again) can not seem to finish anything I start. I have now developed a personal goal of having something published, or at least queries sent to agents, by the time I am thirty years old. I am currently twenty seven. We will see what happens.