It's been awhile

I has been awhile since I have posted anything. I have been busy with a lot of things. I have had thoughts I have wanted to post, but have not been around. If you follow me on Facebook, then you know that my son is being tested for MD. We are just currently waiting to here the results. I only hope that we can find out what is going on with me. I have just been trying to help life go on.

Hubby is starting his work with the Haunted House again this year. Fright High is what it is called. It means a month without him at home, but he will be happy. He is always happy to help them out. You should go check it out.

I have been finding more things I like doing. I have started a CafePress shop; a few shops actually. My article writing has slowed down. Trying to discipline myself to write my articles, make objects for my shop, work, and take care of all other duties have been hard. However, I am happy though. I think it is probably do to starting my Effexor once more. I hate the fact that I may have to be dependent on drugs for happiness, but I remember how I felt when I had been off of them for a long time. It is more clear to me now the benefits I get from being on the medicine. In fact, even my work day seems to go by faster when I am on medication. The eight hours I work doesn't seem as long anymore.  I don't know what else is to come, but I hope it won't be so long between posts again.

My own parenting quotes

A family member asked me to come up with some inspirational quotes that for those leaders that help special children. I took great honor in this request. I have made a list of ten inspirational quotes that I thought of for those that help these special children. Feel free to use these if you wish in anything they may help you with.


Helping others find their value by lifting spirits

Revealing the riches of others gives them light

Eliminating can’t, won’t and giving up one child at a time

Eliminating can’t, won’t and giving up one heart at a time

Understanding those that need it the most

It is never to late too show a child what they can be

Special children require special leaders

Look into the heart of a child not what you can see with your eyes

Those children that are the most lost are the most at home

Children with special needs have special hearts

All quotes by Hope L. Brock

Doctors, meds, guilt, and poor Adam

If any of my readers follow me on facebook, then you already know that my little boy has to see a neurologist. For the first time in his little life, a doctor has suggested a diagnosis of muscular dystrophy. While it does not come to a total surprise for anyone the knows him, it is still very scary. I had not known that much about it when it was mentioned in the doctors office. So I headed for the information super highway (internet) for more research. What I found could scared the living daylights out of any mother. I found myself glued to the computer screen fearing the worse. Since the MDS diagnosis is actually made up of 100 different types it is hard to know actually what the medical community is thinking. However, the one I looked at the most is commonly in boys, commonly around the age of 5 or 6 (Adam is 7), involves waddle walking, and other things that sound like my little boy. The most horrible thing about this type is that they stop walking by the age of 12 and died by 20. Just typing these words scares the crap out of me. As a mom you want to protect your children, but whatever is going on with Adam I can't stop.

I also found out the MDS is hereditary. This is where the guilt and shame come in. I feel as if it is my fault; either directly or indirectly. It was either my genes, or my choose of a father for him that caused this awful scenario.  My dad always told me never to have sex with someone that I would not want as the father of my child because it can happen the first time. I never listened to that. Here I am in the middle of what could be a very scary situation all because I could wait to have sex with the 'right' person. I wish that I would have gotten to know my ex-husbands medical background before I decided to marry him. I now wonder if others should not medical screen potential spouses. If Adam has this condition, then I will not be able to have another biological child. I feel bad enough about Adam, and if I were to have another child after knowing this then I would be making a conscious decision to give another child this horrible condition.

As you can see my mental state is like Hell right now. So I have once more tried to start my meds again. I started yesterday, and prayed that I could have started on a higher dose right away. The idea of being medicated through this ordeal does not seem like such a bad thing. I started yet another steroid for my feet and knees. That one keeps me pretty loopy. I am actually grateful for this feeling. It makes it hard to cry. I don't want Adam to see me cry. I don't want him to know what might come. I don't even know if I want to know what might come.

The only good thing about this, if there is any, is the fact that Adam will no longer slip through the cracks for help. He will get all of the help he needs through many different services, and I can't do it there are other out there willing to help. When he was considered high function disabled everyone thought his condition was not severe enough to give him the best. Now he will get the best. Please pray that God will take care of Adam. I don't know if I can. I just pray that he will watch over him and get him safe.

My dirty laundry

Sometimes when we are forced to hang out our dirty laundry for everyone to see, it can be a learning experience. I have had to show my dirty laundry to many people this week. The type of 'laundry' you try to hind in your house so that no one truly knows what is going on. Often times before you share your 'laundry' secretes someone already knows that something is just not quite right. However, once in awhile, you may find an extra hand that will help you with your chore. The extra pair of hands you find may come as a shock where you find them at. This week it was my in-laws. In-laws are a extension of family that you spend time with, but little is often known about these extra hands.  Too often husbands and wives look toward their in-laws as people we got because of a marriage. Hidden away beneath the hard shell that occupies these 'parents' might be some helping hands. I have learned that if I am starting to feel overwhelmed with the pile of dirty laundry in my house, I do have extra support. When it seems like the whole world is stomping and staining everything you have worked really hard for, then maybe it is time to look around you and realize what kind of support system you have. I do not have words for the help I have received recently, and I can only hope that one of them reads this and realizes that they are very special to me. Dirty laundry can take over your very existence and by not asking for help, you may be putting yourself in danger of being buried in it.

The writer in me

I have spent so much of my time worrying about the things around. The such things that I really honest have little to no control over. These things have all distracted me from my true vision of what I want to do with my life. I want to write. The feeling of opening a book with my name on the cover, my words on the pages of print,for all to enjoy. I want to see my pen name (that has grown through the ages) on the cover of a novel. Author: Hope L. Brock. It is all I have wanted for as long as I can remember. I even found some books that I wrote when I was seven years old (same age as my son). I wonder if I will ever get there. I never seem to finish anything. I have been publishing articles on Associated Content and have started blogs. I love words and phrases that make you think. Hence, my quote blog. I just wonder if I will ever feel the heaviness of a book that I have wrote on my arms. The heaviness of the story inside of me weighs on my shoulder much heavier then any novel I could ever write. I cry from the inside longing for the writer inside of me to come out. I wish that life did not run so much on money. If I could live life through dreams I would be rich.

As little kids, we are told that we should find something we love to do and do that for the rest of our lives. However, this advice has become outdated. In today's economy, you have to take what is given to you and be happy with that. I just don't understand. I feel as if I live the life of a split personality. There is the sensible responsible outer shell, while a writer is screaming from within. Writing has always been my true love, and I look at my small accomplishments I have made in twenty years of writing and wonder why I am not further into this career path. The books I found, the poetry journals on my book shelf, and the third place Illinois Young Author ribbon I own all give testament as to how long this fire has been burning. Almost three years ago, I had my pen name tattooed on my ankle. I long to have my name in print with my thoughts and stories on someone else's  bookshelf.

LIfe: could be and has been worse

I have been so depressed lately, and like sunlight through the clouds I am trying to focus on the good things. Perhaps, I need a lesson in learning to appreciate where I am and where I have been. I have been so focused on the bad things that are going on right now that I have forgotten where I came from. My parents have a tendency to remind me how much they think I have 'grown' and how I should be proud of where I am. There is not a day that goes by that one parents does not tell me how proud they are of me and how much they love me. I wonder sometimes how they can still love me with my life being such a mess, but they remember all  the bad things I have been through. They like to focus on the good things I have going on. I thank my parents everyday for being the people they are. My friends were always accepted at my house when I was little (unless they hurt me, but any parent is like that), and my parents had a way of watching out for me and letting me learn my own mistakes. It is a balancing act. Let me take a moment to reflect on how life has been worse.

1996 (Age 13)- lost my best friend to suicide (I never thought I would accept my life without her)

1998- This was the year I started a relationship that would turn into a four year physical abuse relationship (I had always thought I would have been trapped in this prison)

2002- get out of the physical relationship but had no job and no home (after my parents being right about my boyfriend, I didn't dare go live with them again so I bounced from one place to another)

2002- get married in a split second decision at the courthouse to a sex offender that convince me that he was the 'one' (he was the 'one' to make me pregnant, cheat on me, lie to me, and verbal abuse me)

2003- now I was homeless with a infant and a husband that had left me as I started my journey post partnum

2003- my grandfather passes away from cancer (he suffered way to long)

2008- my parents separate after almost thirty years of marriage (divorce is just as hard on adult children as young children)

May 15, 2008- This is the day I went to the ER with my right side numb from the arm down (my conversion reaction) I had to spend too long in a wheelchair, in therapy, and out of work. My speech was gone and I didn't know if I could sing Happy Birthday to my daughter that year.

I stopped by my grandmother's house the other day, and all she could say was how great I looked. Sometimes I forget about the other things I have overcome and how I am a better person for what I have been through. I suppose next time I am feeling down and like there is no way out; I just need to like at all I have done and realize that things could have and have been worse.  

A depressed mother's rant

Yes, I am a mother. Yes, I suffer from depression (among other mental illnesses). Right now things are just very hard. Bills, kids, housework...and finances are taking a toll on me. I feel overwhelmed and lost. The deep hole of depression has taken a hold. Oh yeah...did I forget to mention the car is not working, either. I can come up with a million reasons why I am depressed now. However, the major reason is because I am a depressed person. I think my life sucks right now and I would be better off not here. Someone tonight told me I need to talk to someone before I slit my wrists. To which I replied "I am almost there"..."Don't be silly" they said..."you have kids to worry about, what would they do without you?". What would they do without me? They would not have to see a mom that cries everyday, they would not have to deal with a mom that yells everyday, and maybe they would be happy to have a mom that does not have to struggle to get out of bed. I wonder if my kids would not be better in foster care. Surely, there is a nice couple out there that could do better for my children then I have done for them. These are just some of the thoughts that go through my head when I think like this. When my depression takes over it is hard to be the mom that I have always wanted to be. Is there any hope for me? Would it not be better if I just gave up?