unlikely goals in the midst of emotional and physical issues

All of this started last month with a beautiful piece of white paper that was folded and slit into an enevelope that found its way to my house. That folded piece of paper was my dreaded power bill, and this was the month that we did not have the money for the bill and the payment agreement-which we had made all of our two allowed agreements for the year. Now I am sitting at my house scrambling at straws for some sort of mircale that will get my lights on for another few months, and struggling with the issues Adam is facing. All the while, trying to adjust to life without medication.

Adam

Adam went to the psychologist a couple weeks ago. Now instead of diagnosising him with Asperger's they say he has PDD-NOS. Basically another autistic spectrum disorder. He doesn't meet all of the requirements for autism but does have some of them. Once more Adam is stuck in the middle of the medical community. He is the true definition of high-functioning disabled. Now we went to get recent x-rays done of his ankles, and once more an implant has shifted. However, because he has not complaine of pain the doctor is just going to wait and see. I sure hope it does not shift anymore and we have to have another surgery.

Bills and impossible goals

I have NO idea how I will pay my power bill. I suppose I could go without paying my rent but even that does not pay the bill. I have to come up with $770 by the end of next month or lights out.....what am I going to do. I tried to call the doctor about my medical restrictions but because I am working more now then I was, and the new restrictions the power company has I don't qualify for medical help. I have already been to the local carver office, and they have already helped me out once this year. The only thing I can think of is try to earn enough money on AC to pay the bill. It is not impossible but very unlikely.  This whole mess makes it tough to see the light at the end of my tunnel. I don't know what to do.

Angry all of the time

I have been angry all of the time for everything. I know that it is probarbly because I have not taken my meds in almost one month. Why? I know it is not a good practice. Let's see....my thought process .....I first thought with all of the cravings (see FB posts) I might be prego. I don't know if these was wishful thinking or the fact that all of my 'friends' on facebook were asking me. I knew that my meds were scary to take during a pregancy so I stopped them. I should had taken a test before that decision, but like I said I think I was wishful thinking. Hubby and I have had the conversation about having another one for quite awhile. I want to, he doest not..you get the point. Then my thirst and going to the bathroom a lot. I actually had an accident overnight in my bed. That has not happen since I was a child. So then I thought maybe diabetes. I was going to return to taking my meds after realizing that the chances of me be prego were pretty slim. (Mirena)

However, I knew that if I were to get back on them the headaches would start and I would have side effects from going back on them. So I stayed off. Now it has been four weeks and I am surprised my whole family has not walked out on me.

I am MAD at everything. The fact that my husband is breathing my air is enough to spat off a hour of dicussion, and don't get me started if he actually says ANYTHING. Then it is the kids, house, work, writing, blogs, and etc.....EVERYTHING IS JUST PISSING ME OFF!!!

work thoughts

I hate being 'that girl'....you know, the one at work that calls-in-for-everything-can't-rely-on-always-has-issues type of person at work. I don't mean to be. I am sick a lot, but I think with my conversion disorder diagnosis it gave us more of a clue why. Yes, I have an emotional tough life right now. I can't help it. My life has never been emotionally easy, I am sure no one's has. I am just more honest about it. If I didn't open up like I do at work then I would carry around a burden that just might break me one of these days. Forgive if lying to make others feel more comfortable, but sacrifice my own health, is not on the top of my list of things to do. However, since I am 'that girl' no one wants to make friends with me or if I have an issue at work no one takes me seriously. This is just wrong. I feel really discrimnated againest at work. I am not even sure why. It seems as if no one there likes me. However, this could just be my unstable personality that is coming up with thoughts like this. How do you truly know if someone likes you or not? I suppose asking them might work, but who (besides myself) is ever honest about things like that. I like just about everybody. I like to think that I am a likeable person...

feeling blocked and pressured

So I have been absentmindly spending money from my article account that is not really there yet. It could be there in a few days if I get creative writing great articles. However, with the pressure, I have a severe case of writers block. Everything I think of seems not good enough. I don't know what to write about. I really wish I had a desk and an office I could go to. Typing from the couch is very diffcult. I really need a spot I can go to without distractions. I love writing but not that I am writing to abstain my absentminded spending of money I feel a lot more pressure. I don't like to write when I am pressured. I can't seem to get creative. However, one of the biggest advice about writing is to keep doing it.

So I am.

I sit here on my couch (did I mention how hard it is to type from the couch) just typing away about nothingness. Although, I am stressed about not getting the money I need I have to say that I am never happier as to when I throw all worries to the wind and treat myself to a special treat everyday. Perhaps money is the secret to my depression. However, if that is the case then I really would not need anti-depression pills. I don't understand what is going on with me really...hmmm....anyway ...typing is what I am doing. Typing...typing...nothing is coming to me and I know I have to end my post at some point. I guess I will just move on.

thought provoking movie (Ecilipse)

If anybody knows who I am they know that I am a Twilight fan. I saw the newest movie this afternoon. It was amazing and I am so grateful for Stephanie Meyer and the escape she gives me. I love the movies and the books. They tend to provoke many questions. Such as:

Can you really love two people at once?

In the series Bella loves both Edward and Jacob. I am married to a wonderful man, but sometimes I think about an ex and wonder if I still love him. I wonder if I can love two people at once. Although in Twilight Jacob is in love so much with Bella that his life seems to be for her. He is in love with her to the point of fighting for her "untill her hearts stops beating." I don't have a guy like that. I don't have a guy that has loved me so much that his life does not go on.

Am I really in love with my husband?

Bella and Edward love each other. It is clear in the way they touch, look at each other and the sacrifices that do for each other. Some of their relationship reminds me of the abusive relationship I was in. Some of Edwards behavior is abusive, but he is just looking out for Bella's safety. Sometimes it is scary but it is a sign that he truly cares. I don't see this type of devotion from my husband or from myself.

Why do I stress about things that don't matter?

Coming home after the movie I felt as if I wanted to live in their fantasy world. Although in their world there was a lot of fighting and death and dying. For some reason I felt like their world would be better then my own. I think they have less stress then I do in real life. How is that possible? My friends are not total enemies and people are not looking to kill me.....but I would rather be there. I must really be messed up!

Hating life

It has been a few days since I wrote anything. I was hoping to get out of my funk. Although that is why I opended this blog in the first place; to help me when I am feeling blue. The last week I have been filled with a lot of hatred for my life. All that I wanted to be growing up was a wife and a mother, and now all I want to be is me. As much as I love my husband and kids, I feel like they have taken over the very thing that make me me.

I love my kids, but I hate not being able to sleep in.

I love my job, but I hate when people scream at me for mistakes.

I love nothing about my house, I need a new house.

This sucks the more I write the more I can think of things I hate. I wish my love was not in such a stand still. I have found out that a few of my friends are expecting new babies. I want a new baby. My husband does not want in more, and to be honest I am not healthy enough to have another. My daughter will be four and Adam is seven. I feel like the good times are passing me by. I still have to wait a long time until any more milestones come to pass. grr! I wish I could just go away.

La, La, La

So I am feeling just kind of blah. My head is going la, la...la. I should be writing, or doing housework. I could be watching a movie. There are a lot of things I should be doing, but nope. I have been feeling pretty out of it. It does not help that my car has been broken for a few days. Luckily, my father-in-law came out (on father's day) to fix it. That much is going good for me. hmmm....there is a lot of things I could be doing right now. I don't know why I feel so stuck. Maybe my mind is broken today too. There is no easy fix for that one.